Earlier today I was writing a post about my first girl crush and the time she took me to my first gay club. Lots of  dirty shit happened. It was awesome. If that's what your expecting stop reading. You won't get it today....

My brother called  earlier to give the news our Father is in a coma and will probably die. He fell while doing some gardening hit his head. He had an aneurysm, is now in a coma. Doctors believe he'll die because of his advanced age.

I won't be go into detail on his trespasses against me and my family, they are many. I've yet to forgive him. Yes I know I should. Hopefully one day I will find the grace to do so.

I've waited and wondered for years about this day. Wondered what I'd do when it came. Would I go to him profess my love and regret? Would I tell how I despise him and believe the world will be a better place without him in it? Or will I be indifferent? Simply not go.

In high school I began volunteering at different places because I knew that shit looks good on college applications. Then I found love in doing it.

My first experience was student teaching for 1st graders at an under privileged school. I hated kids but this would get me out of school so I was going to do it. These little fucks loved me. They drew me pictures. Made me gifts. Hugged me. They looked up to me! They showed me unconditional love. They humbled me. My heart was opened.

Then I worked at a home for blind senior citizens. A few times a week I'd help them with errands, light house work, reading, companionship. The little things we all take for granted. There I learned true respect. These people over came bigger obstacles everyday than I'd faced my entire life. They were warriors. For the first time in my 16 years I felt grateful.

My next stop was the shelter for homeless battered women and children. There I did office work and helped sort the donations we got daily. There I saw true pain and suffering. From these women I learned true human resilience. Nothing is more powerful than the will of a mother to love an care for her child. These women showed me what it meant it truly means to man up.

Throughout the years I volunteered at a soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, an animal shelter. Two years ago I did a stint at a hospice.The experience that changed my life the most was my relationship with Grrouchie.

I realized what a blessed life I had with health, a wonderful family, a wonderful man, friends, dogs,a job! Most days I'd wake up before him and watch him sleep. It was moving. The sun spilled into our room, the birds sang outside, he radiated. My heart felt bigger than my body. All I could do to keep my heart from exploding was cry the only tears of happiness and love I've ever known. All the love in my life inspired me to give back once again.

These experiences have shown me true kindness in people, strength, wonder. I learned there is even love between strangers. I just don't know if I can show my Father the things I have learned...

After this post, one of my brothers and me (is the proper English? Fuck it.) went to see our Father. I can proudly say I had nothing but kind words for him. He wasn't conscious. Doubt I could have said anything had he been. Still I thanked him for everything that he did for us. Our Mom, his wife died suddenly, he was left with two young kids to raise alone. He fucked up but at least I turned out fucking awesome! He tried. I admire him for that. 
I told him that I don't have any hard feelings towards him and I hope he didn't have any towards me. I told him to stop being stubborn, to let go, to die in peace. No I don't just want him to die, he's old,70. He also has cancer. This is his third recurrence. Sadly he stopped living many years ago. I just hope he takes this chance to go without great suffering. I met many people at the hospice, kinder more deserving people that weren't given this chance to depart with relative calm and painlessness.
Tomorrow after my hot redheaded friend comes over to pity me I'll deliver my gay club story. Followed by the time this young lady took me to the sex club. Swingers club whatever. It's really as nasty as you imagined.