Part 1-What had happened was...

I was 18 working at Sears with a bunch of my misfit friends. We looked like a United Color of Benetton ad. Jamal, tall thin black man who happened to be my love interest. Luis the Salvadorian with bad prepubescent facial hair. Eric the bite sized Korean with a kimchee aura. Finally me not bite sized but definitely fun sized.

Jamal was drop kicked into the real world first. His apartment quickly turned into our clubhouse. These fine boys introduced me to everything my Catholic up bringing told me I'd go to hell for thinking about let alone doing. God damn, I loved doing it . Best of all to underage drinking. Not just underage drinking but whiskey drinking. Not just whiskey drinking but Jameson's Irish Whiskey drinking! Me drunk equals bad choices.

One night after the bottle ran dry still in need of entertainment, we did what any horny teenagers with lots of time, no money and  even less sense do, cruise the Strip looking for chicks. All the colors of the homo rainbow (insert Southpark reference) piled into the Honda Del Sol. It was like solving a fucking puzzle. Luis was driving. Jamal in the passenger's seat, me on his lap (HELL YEAH). Poor Eric ended up in the trunk. Think Ocean's Eleven, little Asian hiding in the box, except our plans didn't include robbing the Bellagio.



Actual Size

Two hours later we're in Baker, California,WTF?!! No idea how or why. I was busy drunkenly dry humping a hot boy. Have any of you been to Baker, California at 1am? It's a tiny shithole in the middle of nowhere. All except the gas station and Jack in the Box are closed. Finally putting on our thinking caps we choose to stop driving aimlessly eat then go home. We stumble our way to eat some greasy tacos, cheeseburgers and other nummy nummy heart attack food.

Yummy scrumbos!

Before continuing you need to know some about Luis. At 17 he's the proud Daddy to a 6 mo. old baby girl, high school drop out working at Sears's trying to get his GED. He's a good guy with real potential not to be a fuck up and I love him. He'd always been a good friend. To repay him I did my good friend duty by never letting him do stupid shit alone. Yet this was too stupid even for me to get behind.

Sitting at Jack in the Box, shooting the shit. Luis is telling us about the new girl he's dating. By dating I mean screwing. "Blah blah pussy. Blah blah my dick." Or something like that. My attentions were on these hot salty fries with loads of ketchup. Then I heard it. My heart drops. I'm pulled away from my feeding frenzy by something unimaginable.

" We don't use condoms. They're too expensive," he said.

Meet my hand of sense.

I look up, mid fry (in my angry black girl voice), " SAY WHA'?? MOTHERFUCKA' BABIES ARE EXPENSIVE!!" I leaned forward in my seat. French fry in hand, WAP, smack across the face.

What happened next I can't exactly recall. Rest assured folks he found reason within my pimp hand. We origami-ed ourselves back into the badass mobile and made our way home.

Back at the clubhouse, no longer drunk still bored we needed a plan. One of the mental giants suggested going to the strip club. FUCK. I'm a scared 18 year old mostly virgin, I don't know my own asshole from a hole in the ground. Hell I've never even seen an asshole! I certainly didn't want my first to be a stranger's who probably smelled of broken dreams and shame. Once the hope of seeing naked tits is impregnated in a man little came be done to keep him from making it so. So we set off. 

Here I will pause. Before we made it to the club some traumatic shit happened. It's the story of how I fell onto the puddle of cum. After reading Grrouchie's post, I wonder if it was his after one of his encounters with Maria?