Hope I don't shit my pants.

I was going to spend the day in bed eating McDonald's and masturbating. Then a friend reminded me this morning, I have a 5k to run today!! FUCK, I just at like 6 biscuits and a bunch of fucking coffee.

I wouldn't bother but she's there waiting for me. I'm running it with my dog. I've been telling the mutt for a month that we would do this. NO I'm not crazy, he doesn't understand English but he understands that something big was coming. So I have to go do this.

Hopefully this doesn't turn out like that time I shit my pants while I was lifting weights. Yeah, that's what I said. I just might tell you about it.

Wish me luck!!

The Scoop

Earlier today Josie posted some hilarious cliff notes  about me and old Grrouchie's mostly comical relationship. In which she brought up a good point, I talk a lot of shit and he might not appreciate it. Tough titties, baby! It's funny. For the most part we are kidding.

I won't be getting into the details of our relationship because our break up was less than a year ago. I'm totally still in love with him and I don't like to be vulnerable. Sometimes most times I say some crazy shit, that normal people would shake their heads at. If the old Grouch was normal he would take offense but big BUT (unlike Josie's surely cute little one that I'm excited to see) he's not normal. He doesn't  usually take offense to what I say.

That's as ethnic a nose as I ever saw!

Even if he did, he LOVES to say inflammatory things! So what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Don't believe me that he's just as obsence? Just yesterday, during dinner I made some dumb remark that could have been heard in a movie like Friday. So he says, "What are you black? Well at least one part of you is." Firstly let me say, he is NOT racist just RUDE. I have what I like to call an ethnic nose. My bitch ass older brothers who liked to torture me, called it a "nigger nose." RUDE!! Sometime through the years it came up and he loves to use it against me (jerk). It's almost fun to see what dumb ass random rudeness will come out of his mouth.

Here's a quick glimpse into his Rolodex of rude.

Firstly he grossly missuses the word "rape" as in " I got raped in that Strat game." Keep in mind that I know rape victims. It's offensive beyond fucking belief to take someone's most traumatic experience and turning it into an adjective. This is probably just me being sensitive but still.

His nose is just as ethnic

This one is awesome. After a heinous trip to the dentist he decided to one day have all his teeth pulled and replaced with dentures. Somehow, HIS Mom came into the conversation. HE brought up the idea of being "gummed" by his MOM!! Then he simulated thrusting !! GAG

One last one because I could spend a week doing this. 


This gem is especially funny, to you! One night after sex, we are lying in bed lovingly holding each other and looking into each other's eyes. Talking about our future and my dearest says, "Your feet smell." After properly smacking him I shout, GOD DAMN IT! NO THEY DON'T!! "Okay, then it must be your vagina! BAWHAHA" Yup, that was his idea of a joke. What a social retard!

This has often caused friction between us. Now that we are now longer in a romantic relationship, the sting of each other's words has lessened. We are both being more ourselves and getting along better. Whenever we get to see each other we enjoy it. Before we dated we were friends, it's been nice recapturing that.

Weapon # 2 and 3

Oh, yeah and the sex. Mostly I joke about it ,there's no joking here, it's mind blowing. We just have chemistry. So much that he would lay (I'm the girl in #10) aside his morals for a romp in the sack with yours truly.

For a long time our relationship was just about sex, then this fool went and fell in love with me! After our split, we or at least I , but probably we, really hated each other's guts but we continued to have HOT sex. I know what you're thinking, it's a bad idea, don't do it, stop. Sound advice if I were less primal but I don't think with my head. I think with my cunt. He's defiantly better at using his brain. He's tried to resist but I have three weapons...that and those.

Weapon # 1

My point, we have a long fucked up history.  We are both hurt, sometimes sad. We're trying to repair our lives and move on. Hopefully not lose anymore money, sleep and faith. We care about each other so all this shit talking is in good fun.

Damn I'm cute! What happened to him? JK

Sergyballs, if I make you mad with what I say, my bad. 
You knowwww I lovvve you!!  
Remember you have a full arsenal to! Two words, cum, bestiality :) 

Waffles, you dirty bastard this for you. Yeah, I know what you like

My flavor of crazy

Today instead of doing the work I was being paid to do,I was flirting with my boss and reading all about  Waffles. He had a link to an interesting personality analyzes on his post. Got me thinking about my flavor of crazy.

Here it is,me!  It's pretty accurate. I have come to the following conclusions about myself.

It's exhausting being me. If I'm not doing something with someone I'm usually not happy. Don't think I have a problem with being alone or anything. I just prefer to spend my free time with my others.

I'm too rigid. I see things in black and white. It has caused me a considerable amount of strife. I just really don't understand why people do not do the right thing. If I perceive you to be wrong or to have wronged me you may as well be dead. I usually make it my mission to either make you miserable or act as if you do not exist. Working on this.

I don't use my very capable head, often enough. No explanation needed here. My goal this year is to use my noodle before reacting to things.

There's a possibility I could spend more time writing about this crap, but I'm hungry so we will end this here.

Life lessons from Sodom and Gomorrah

I'm considering expanding on the events of this last Saturday. Here are the life lessons I learned this weekend:

The last thing I remember.

Fun photo on my phone.

Photograph from my blackout period.

1. Don't ever leave your drink unattended.
2. Don't take drinks from strangers no matter how cute they are.
3. When you have a headache don't take what you think is ibuprofen without first confirming it.
4. Don't let three random dudes, gay or not freak dance on you. 
5. If it feels like someone just bit your tit, someone probably bit your tit.
6. If you have been dancing for 2 hours nonstop drink water.
7.  Be suspicious of this new found stamina 
8. If you feel totally amazing and drunk but stopped drinking hours ago. There are two possible explanations: A. You are high on life  B. Someone put Ecstasy in your drink.
9. Be more careful. 
10. I'm lucky have not been murdered.

He had hot shoes. 

The List- 25 random things about moi

Thanks to Gary for this wonderful idea. It's so much fun to learn about you all. I am excited to read your lists.
I revised #6 because I wanted to include something that I don't get to talk about ever since I don't know any cowboys.

1. When I was a kid I wanted to be an archaeologist and the President of the Untied States.

2. I collect Chuck Taylor shoes.  They have been my everyday shoe since I was 11. Still have the first pair I bought in 2002, they fit, best $100 I have ever spent.

3. I'm the youngest of 9. The tenth died. Two full brothers the rest half brothers and sisters. I am not close to any of them.

4. My Mom died in a car accident. She has been gone longer than I knew her. I still miss her.

5. My Father saved our family from a fire when I was 5.

6. During a visit to the family farm I was petting a young horse. He bit my right tit and made me bleed. I was so mad I punched him in the head then ran away as fast as I could!

7. I listen to NPR, all day. I rarely watch tv.

8. My best friend and I have matching tattoos which reference Aristotle  .

9. I spend as much time as possible naked, my neighbors have all seen me in the buff. I even go outside naked.

10. Last year, I visited the Grand Canyon and cried because it's beauty was overwhelming.

11. When I was 8 a bicycle pedal cut through my knee. I got 22 staples and wore a brace for 3 months. I tell people I got stabbed.

12. I have little patience and a quick temper.

13. My dream career path is to join the Peace Corps. Get the skills to open my open a school for under privileged women. Open an animal rescue. Be really filthy fucking rich.

14. My nieces greet my dog before they greet me. I take this dog almost everywhere. Even inappropriate places.

15. My first pet was a mouse. Since then I've had rats, a cat, dogs, birds, turtles, fish and frogs.

16. I shaved my head when I was 16 to piss off my Dad. People thought I had cancer. Sometimes I got called "Sir".

17.  Every time I hear the Backstreet Boys I sing along.

18. I have had sex at work on multiple occasions, during business hours . It was HOT! Serge you missed out buddy.

19. I remember the moment I fell in love with Serge. We were eating ribs.

20.  I have yet to learn forgiveness.

21. I practiced karate for several years. Waiting for my chance to round house kick someone.

22. I get hit on at least once a week. I catch guys checking me out everyday. I fear the day this stops happening.

23. My nose is the one body feature I dislike. Once Serge licked it and I cried.

24. I would rather be having sex. It's might be kinda sad but it's my favorite thing ever.

25. Pregnancy scares me. Last year we had a miscarriage.

Shit , shower and shave.

My hot redheaded friend came for a visit tonight. This girl is amazing. She's absolutely a soul mate. We are the same flavor crazy. If she weren't mostly married, I'd  fuck marry her.

Being wild girls, we drowned our day's sorrows in Mexican food. Despite my family hailing from this land the cuisine does not sit well with me. I commented to her, I was looking forward to farting on my dog later (don't judge me it's funny) . To which she replies " Tomorrow I'm going to crop dust students I don't like. Maybe I'll sneak into school and drop a big Mexican deuce on his desk."

I showed her some of the stripper stories. After reading she told me about the time she fucked a stripper in Canada! Yeah! That's the story I want to read. The one thing that I have learned from our 5 year long friendship is that teachers are the craziest, nastiest, most perverted fucks. Think I missed my calling.

I will be wearing these babies. Pray for my ankles!

We have plans of going to the club together. My level of excitement cannot be expressed in words! We are both nuts, prefer being naked and our favorite thing in the world is not being wholesome. She's called me  "lush" many times. I don't speak East Coast but she's assured me it's along the lines of stupid drunk. Which I will be for the next 3 days because... During our visit I received a text inviting me to a birthday party tonight at LAX inside the Luxor. I should be responsible by going to bed soon, in order to be well rested for work tomorrow. Instead I will be going shit, shower and shave (Dad's checklist) and make my way to LAX for some lushy fun. Around 2 am I will drive home, mostly sober, change out of my slut suit, then head to work at 4am.

Earlier today I was writing a post about my first girl crush and the time she took me to my first gay club. Lots of  dirty shit happened. It was awesome. If that's what your expecting stop reading. You won't get it today....

My brother called  earlier to give the news our Father is in a coma and will probably die. He fell while doing some gardening hit his head. He had an aneurysm, is now in a coma. Doctors believe he'll die because of his advanced age.

I won't be go into detail on his trespasses against me and my family, they are many. I've yet to forgive him. Yes I know I should. Hopefully one day I will find the grace to do so.

I've waited and wondered for years about this day. Wondered what I'd do when it came. Would I go to him profess my love and regret? Would I tell how I despise him and believe the world will be a better place without him in it? Or will I be indifferent? Simply not go.

In high school I began volunteering at different places because I knew that shit looks good on college applications. Then I found love in doing it.

My first experience was student teaching for 1st graders at an under privileged school. I hated kids but this would get me out of school so I was going to do it. These little fucks loved me. They drew me pictures. Made me gifts. Hugged me. They looked up to me! They showed me unconditional love. They humbled me. My heart was opened.

Then I worked at a home for blind senior citizens. A few times a week I'd help them with errands, light house work, reading, companionship. The little things we all take for granted. There I learned true respect. These people over came bigger obstacles everyday than I'd faced my entire life. They were warriors. For the first time in my 16 years I felt grateful.

My next stop was the shelter for homeless battered women and children. There I did office work and helped sort the donations we got daily. There I saw true pain and suffering. From these women I learned true human resilience. Nothing is more powerful than the will of a mother to love an care for her child. These women showed me what it meant it truly means to man up.

Throughout the years I volunteered at a soup kitchen, a homeless shelter, an animal shelter. Two years ago I did a stint at a hospice.The experience that changed my life the most was my relationship with Grrouchie.

I realized what a blessed life I had with health, a wonderful family, a wonderful man, friends, dogs,a job! Most days I'd wake up before him and watch him sleep. It was moving. The sun spilled into our room, the birds sang outside, he radiated. My heart felt bigger than my body. All I could do to keep my heart from exploding was cry the only tears of happiness and love I've ever known. All the love in my life inspired me to give back once again.

These experiences have shown me true kindness in people, strength, wonder. I learned there is even love between strangers. I just don't know if I can show my Father the things I have learned...

After this post, one of my brothers and me (is the proper English? Fuck it.) went to see our Father. I can proudly say I had nothing but kind words for him. He wasn't conscious. Doubt I could have said anything had he been. Still I thanked him for everything that he did for us. Our Mom, his wife died suddenly, he was left with two young kids to raise alone. He fucked up but at least I turned out fucking awesome! He tried. I admire him for that. 
I told him that I don't have any hard feelings towards him and I hope he didn't have any towards me. I told him to stop being stubborn, to let go, to die in peace. No I don't just want him to die, he's old,70. He also has cancer. This is his third recurrence. Sadly he stopped living many years ago. I just hope he takes this chance to go without great suffering. I met many people at the hospice, kinder more deserving people that weren't given this chance to depart with relative calm and painlessness.
Tomorrow after my hot redheaded friend comes over to pity me I'll deliver my gay club story. Followed by the time this young lady took me to the sex club. Swingers club whatever. It's really as nasty as you imagined.

Part 2- What had happened was...

So we're back from Baker (blah). Trying to set in motion our trip to the titty club. 

Like in most other places there are two types of strip joints in Vegas. The 21 and over topless places that serve booze. They're generally more expensive but house the majority of the10's. These are for the tourists and those with some money to burn.Then there's the18 and over fully nude places. No booze.Not many tourists. Mostly weirdo perverts, sad lonely broken locals and us not yet broken but totally broke. Also not out of our teens so we had but one choice. Talk of the Town.

You can't make this shit up

 This little gem is on the corner of Broken Dream Dr. and The Kid's Gotta Eat St., is a winning combination of adult store and strip club! Right on! Two firsts in one night. Actually three firsts. First time breaking out my pimp slap. 


3 am we roll up, first thing I see two white girls in a bikinis sitting on swings. They had  lights on them and music was playing and oh my. Truth be told my first thoughts were "Looks fun. Wonder if I can try?" Considering the welcome wagon outside I had no idea what awaited inside....It was awful. Cramped little place. All the patrons were creepy old dudes (no offense,gentlemen) some of which took to much time checking out my assets. Hey, weirdo, I'm not the talent. Leave me alone. A weird mixture of mildew, sweat and soap filled the air. It reminded me of the time I forgot laundry in the washer for two weeks.

Every part of me is screaming to get the hell out of here go home and shower! But I can't say shit, if I punk out I will never hear the end of it.I could face the revocation of my awesome card. Worst yet I don't want my almost boyfriend to be alone with a bunch of naked chicks. I'm taking one for the team.

As kids we had a checklist of things we had to do before our Father would take us anywhere.
1. Eat. He refused to take us to fast food or restaurants.
2. Shit and or pee. He will not stop what he's doing because you need to go. 
3. Be presentable. I guess this is important.

Wish I'd followed the checklist. Last thing I wanted to do was touch ANYTHING but I had to pee so bad it hurt to hold it. I took every precaution not to touch anything. Ass gasket on the seat. Purse over my shoulder pulled into my body. I hiked my pants up my leg so the bottoms didn't touch the floor. Finally I'm hovering over the seat, ahh sweet sweet relief. I'm enjoying this nice long pee. My eyes are scanning the room, about four inches from my foot is a little puddle of fluid. It looks like boogers or spit. I'm thinking "God, lazy bastards the toilet is right there. How hard is it to spit in the toilet?!" Took my a few seconds to connect the dots. It's not spit...IT'S NOT SPIT!!  In my panic to get the out of there and shower. I tripped on my stupid bunched up pants. I lost my balance. Stupid gravity pulled me down! Right. On. Top. Of. It. FUCK. I was so disgusted I vomited. Here I am pants around my thighs, fallen on some stranger's giz, throwing up on the floor and crying. I practically showered in the sink then headed out to see the show.

Of Course these fools were right at the stage. Empty seat for me in the middle. There was a girl on stage not dancing. She had a roll of paper towels and a bottle of Lysol in hand wiping down the pole. This was disturbing. She wasn't much older than me, wearing a suit I figured she was the cash girl or something. She had a pretty face but not hot. Long brown hair she was rather plump which made me happy. I don't like little girls. I feel like a fucking Amazon. A little while later she did indeed strip. She was very athletic. Did some hands stands. Twirled and swung on the pole. Did some weird upside down slides. One point she stuck her fingers inside herself. Then stuck her fingers in her mouth,gag!

The boys were happier than pigs in shit.They were in absolute horny teenager heaven. I was in hell. These rat bastards loved every minute of that to. So of course they thought it'd be hilarious to buy me laps dances. Not one or two but three. One from said girl on stage, a skinny black girl that smelled like Bath and Body Works' sweet pea and some other girl I can't remember. All taking place in the private rooms. Which I really didn't want to go because they were these little closet sized rooms with full sized beds in them! I could imagine was happened in there. The private part was the half a bed sheet covering the entrance. Did I mention it was held up with thumb tacks? They each did their thing. They moved over my body like snakes. They even touched me in the bikini area. All was thinking about was my chances of getting lice from the bedding. It was awful.

Now I'm sure that not all strip clubs resemble the first level of hell. Still this experience has given me my fill of  strippers and strip clubs forever. I confess I love seeing sweaty scantly clad hotties shaking this assets to loud music. I love bumping and grinding with strangers and being molested by these strangers. So what am I to do since I've sworn off strip clubs? Gay clubs! In reading your stories I've come to the conclusion that you're  all missing out by hanging out at strip clubs.

Seriously most everyone there is dressing for attention. By simply walking in you're winning.Eye candy everywhere. I have seen many girls wear just underwear! Boys only wear shorts. There are bubbles, lights, free booze!! Everyone is friendly and they want to dance with you! Yes you!! Dancing means touching. Oh my, lots of touching unlike in strips clubs. And unlike hookers, you don't have to pay to touch. It's one big not necessarily gay love feast. I will let you in a on secret. A lot of straight girls go there with their gay friends so there's a possibility for everyone to have fun and get ass grabbed. Besides with enough booze everyone is a little gay. Same for the gays. I can't even count how many gays have gone straight for the night with me. I suggest you all take a trip to your local gay club, not bar, club. You won't be sorry.
Here are some photos of recent trips.

This is how they dance with strangers! Boys and girls!

Ok, Rob, get over it.

Give him a dollar. He'll rub his junk your face.

My favorite homos

Probably lesbians.

I love the bubbles!

They usually aren't gay!

Part 1-What had happened was...

I was 18 working at Sears with a bunch of my misfit friends. We looked like a United Color of Benetton ad. Jamal, tall thin black man who happened to be my love interest. Luis the Salvadorian with bad prepubescent facial hair. Eric the bite sized Korean with a kimchee aura. Finally me not bite sized but definitely fun sized.

Jamal was drop kicked into the real world first. His apartment quickly turned into our clubhouse. These fine boys introduced me to everything my Catholic up bringing told me I'd go to hell for thinking about let alone doing. God damn, I loved doing it . Best of all to underage drinking. Not just underage drinking but whiskey drinking. Not just whiskey drinking but Jameson's Irish Whiskey drinking! Me drunk equals bad choices.

One night after the bottle ran dry still in need of entertainment, we did what any horny teenagers with lots of time, no money and  even less sense do, cruise the Strip looking for chicks. All the colors of the homo rainbow (insert Southpark reference) piled into the Honda Del Sol. It was like solving a fucking puzzle. Luis was driving. Jamal in the passenger's seat, me on his lap (HELL YEAH). Poor Eric ended up in the trunk. Think Ocean's Eleven, little Asian hiding in the box, except our plans didn't include robbing the Bellagio.



Actual Size

Two hours later we're in Baker, California,WTF?!! No idea how or why. I was busy drunkenly dry humping a hot boy. Have any of you been to Baker, California at 1am? It's a tiny shithole in the middle of nowhere. All except the gas station and Jack in the Box are closed. Finally putting on our thinking caps we choose to stop driving aimlessly eat then go home. We stumble our way to eat some greasy tacos, cheeseburgers and other nummy nummy heart attack food.

Yummy scrumbos!

Before continuing you need to know some about Luis. At 17 he's the proud Daddy to a 6 mo. old baby girl, high school drop out working at Sears's trying to get his GED. He's a good guy with real potential not to be a fuck up and I love him. He'd always been a good friend. To repay him I did my good friend duty by never letting him do stupid shit alone. Yet this was too stupid even for me to get behind.

Sitting at Jack in the Box, shooting the shit. Luis is telling us about the new girl he's dating. By dating I mean screwing. "Blah blah pussy. Blah blah my dick." Or something like that. My attentions were on these hot salty fries with loads of ketchup. Then I heard it. My heart drops. I'm pulled away from my feeding frenzy by something unimaginable.

" We don't use condoms. They're too expensive," he said.

Meet my hand of sense.

I look up, mid fry (in my angry black girl voice), " SAY WHA'?? MOTHERFUCKA' BABIES ARE EXPENSIVE!!" I leaned forward in my seat. French fry in hand, WAP, smack across the face.

What happened next I can't exactly recall. Rest assured folks he found reason within my pimp hand. We origami-ed ourselves back into the badass mobile and made our way home.

Back at the clubhouse, no longer drunk still bored we needed a plan. One of the mental giants suggested going to the strip club. FUCK. I'm a scared 18 year old mostly virgin, I don't know my own asshole from a hole in the ground. Hell I've never even seen an asshole! I certainly didn't want my first to be a stranger's who probably smelled of broken dreams and shame. Once the hope of seeing naked tits is impregnated in a man little came be done to keep him from making it so. So we set off. 

Here I will pause. Before we made it to the club some traumatic shit happened. It's the story of how I fell onto the puddle of cum. After reading Grrouchie's post, I wonder if it was his after one of his encounters with Maria?